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April 6, 2007 / missknowitall

Wanting Hubby to Spend Time With Me

Dear Little Miss,
My husband and I often have the same conversation over how to spend his free time when he gets home from work and on the weekends.  I love to be together, but I often feel like an obligation to him.  Most of the time it’s fine, but it can really get to me.  I want his attention and for him to want to spend time with me.  Tonight while (vaguely, this time) holding this conversation once again he said it best:  that he is so tired but he feels like he needs to talk to me so that I feel I’m getting quality time.  If we split up to do our own things, then he feels guilty that he’s neglecting me (without my provocation).  If I insist that we do things together, I provide a list of options-which he turns down or will try half-heartedly just to appease me.  I try to do thoughtful things for him, clean the house, and be pleasant, but it just seems that he wants to hide away from everything.  What can I do to have him want to spend time with me? I promise I’m a fun girl. 🙂
Sincerely,
Puzzled Wife

Dear Puzzled Wife,

I remember all too well when this happened to me for the first time in my marriage.  I love my husband so much and wish I could spend every free moment with him.  You’d think that would flatter the guy and we’d live in a continual honeymoon state, don’t ya?  Sadly I had to learn to do what I’m about to tell you to do.  First I want you to instill the “Two minute rule” and you can read about that here: https://littlemissknowitall.wordpress.com/2007/03/27/keeping-the-spark-alive/

After you have that set up with your wonderful man I want you to recognize that you have made a loving mistake in looking to your spouse for entertainment, happiness, and a sense of self.  While a good spouse can enhance all those things, they can not give them to you (in fact they start hiding if they feel that they are expected to).  You must build these up for yourself.  Stop waiting for him to come home to have fun and to do interesting things.  Look back to the time when you first met your husband.  What did you do for fun at that time?  What are some “Non-Wifey” or “Non-Mom” things that would interest you?  Go to a sports game with some girlfriends, or take a class in a foreign language.  Enhance yourself and have fun doing it.  If you have children then let the daddy watch them a couple nights a week while you get out to have fun (not to grocery shop).  Now, I want you to know that I am not suggesting you distance yourself from your man.  In fact you need to be ready for something great, if you do all this.  Think back again to when you first met your hubby.  He had to put forth effort to get your attention and it was a fun game of, oh…lets call it fishing.  If guys new that as soon as they stepped into the boat the fish would fly at them and they would be done, it wouldn’t be the “Man’s Sport” that is today.  They like the supposed art and technique it takes to hook and reel ’em in.  Well, you have been jumping into his boat every time he steps through the door.  If you start having fun again and are a bit busy, then he will start to feel like he needs to bait his hook and go fishing for his wife again.  And if you are leaving him behind with kids, well then he will get interested just to get out of babysitting (wink, wink).  So when he finally starts hinting that he misses you, or that he feels neglected, or that he wants to spend some time with you just say, “Hmmm, well I’m pretty busy this week…”, then hug and kiss him and schedule a date with your hot-love-muffin.

Let the fishing begin!

Miss Knowitall

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