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May 7, 2007 / missknowitall

Advice For Adults Only!

Dear Little Miss,
I am 25 years old and all my life have been very active and happy in my
church.  Hence I have always believed (and still believe) that one should
wait until they are married to have sex.  Well that was almost a month ago
for me.  Since then I’ve grown increasingly disappointed with each experience.  I was told the first time could be painful and it was (very
painful) and continued to be for the next week or so.  Now I don’t feel any
pain but I also don’t feel any pleasure either!  I thought making love with
my husband would at least feel good.  At best I occasionally feel a little
aroused but I never feel SATISFIED.  And I have never had an orgasm.  We’ve tried different positions and things but I don’t feel anything!  And lately being intimate with my husband feels like a chore and I am starting to feel resentment toward him.  Is this normal? Is there something physically wrong with me that prevents me from feeling sexual pleasure? Will I ever have an orgasm?  What else can I do?

-Extremely disappointed

Dear Extremely Disappointed,

Sadly this is very normal, just as much for those who’ve waited until after marriage as it is for those who’ve had multiple partners.  There are many reasons why women have a hard time reaching climax in sex.  So many reasons in fact that I simply don’t have the space to list them all, let alone discuss them.  Therefore, I will give you my quick prescription:  Find and read Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.  There are many great books out there about sex and it wouldn’t hurt to read those too, but Mars and Venus in the Bedroom is a fast read and is the best “How To” and “Why To” guide I’ve found.  I will give you one grain of salt with this book, don’t feel you have to do everything this book recommends.  Read it, then try the suggestions that you feel comfortable with.  And DO follow its suggestions on how to share its information with your spouse.     

That said, I will now give you some quick use advice.  Any woman’s ability to climax really depends on her state of mind.  You’ll never reach nirvana while thinking about your grocery shopping, thinking about the kids, or thinking about how you haven’t climaxed yet.  Have you ever read a book, or watched a movie that had a scene that made you blush, or gave you a “guilty warm feeling”?  In order to practice getting into a proper state of mind, next time you are intimate with your spouse, I want you to play those scenes in your head, only you are the woman, and your husband is the man.  There is no reason to feel guilt or shame about scenes like that when they are about you and your husband.  Use this mental foreplay to help you stay focused and to help you have fun and enjoy the experience.  Don’t forget to read the book I mentioned, and to educate your husband with what you learn.

Writing from Venus,

Miss Knowitall  

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One Comment

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  1. Leanne / May 24 2007 5:39 am

    I’m glad you assured the inquirer that her experience is NORMAL–so common, in fact, that it’s estimated that 75% of women cannot climax from intercourse alone (that figure comes from a lot of research after my own distress over not being able to orgasm during sex with my dear husband). Contrary to what the movies would have men and women believe, for the majority of women, manual or oral stimulation is absolutely requisite in order to climax. I’ve not read Men Are From Mars, but I hope it expounds on that point so that men are crystal clear on how to sexually satisfy their wives. My husband is a physician and almost on a daily basis he has female patients share their sexual frustrations with him (especially the older generation who doesn’t necessarily believe in or know about oral sex). He tries to educate them about how sexual “reciprocity” can be achieved in their relationships. Lucky for me, he practices what he preaches–he’s fantastic in that he loves to “service” me before intercourse (which, of course, makes it feel even greater!).

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