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December 20, 2007 / missknowitall

Pregnant Girlfriend Is Pushing Me Away

Ok, ok, ok.  I have received so many letters from boyfriends and fiances who’s pregnant girlfriends are pushing them away.  There are so many of them, and they are all so similar that I have decided to just answer all of them in bulk.  Sorry if that makes it impersonal but I can only give the same answer so many times. 

 Here is the basic story.  Boy and girl meet, sleep together, maybe even move in together.  Girl finds out she is pregnant and is lucky enough to be with a guy who thinks it is great and only loves her more for it.  Then girl starts pulling away and says she isn’t sure about the relationship any longer.  Boy tries hard to please her and take care of her.  Girl just gets upset and pushes boy even further away.  Boy writes to Miss Knowitall asking why and what to do.

Dear BOY,

As I said to Mr. Loving, just because a girl says she will be your girlfriend or move in with you does NOT mean she has picked you out as the father of her children.  A girl can love you, trust you, lust you, and act like she wants to be with you forever but it still doesn’t mean she wants to bear your children and be stuck with you forever.  This is why, for years and years and years, people would get married before sleeping together.  For some reason, people these days sleep with anyone they think is cute and then they actually have the gall to seem totally shocked when they end up pregnant.  But enough ranting already.  Right or wrong it happened and now you need some help.  Well, big guy, here are your possibilities:

1.  When women become pregnant their whole lives turn upside-down, they loose control of their bodies, they hurt, are tired, and now have to spend the rest of their lives worrying about someone besides themselves.  If a girl hasn’t made the choice to take all this on she will tend to be a little less than thrilled.  She will often look for someone to blame for her new burdens, and guess who gets that blame?  You betcha!  No girl is going to say, “Gee, thanks for taking away my freedom and my body, I love you so much.”  So, you did it, you pay for it.  However, while she is hating you now, she may eventually come back to you if she truly does love you or if she finds she needs your help.  Considering all that she will have to go through with the pregnancy it really isn’t too much to ask for you to give her the space she needs, for however long she needs it, and just be ready for her when she changes her mind.

2.  She may not love you or want you as the father of her child.  If this is the case the best you can do is focus on the child.  Be a father and not a boyfriend.  Be kind and supportive and don’t get angry if your girlfriend falls in love with someone else.  You don’t have a marriage license so you have no right to claim the father/spouse roll in your girlfriends home.

3.  Tell your girlfriend how you feel in a letter.  This will let her process her feelings without having to deal with a confrontation.  Tell her your hopes and dreams for the child.  Apologize for having it happen this way and tell her it is ok if she hates you.  Ask if she wants to go to counseling with you.  If you do this in a letter she has a chance to read it over and over and can pick the right time to talk to you about these things.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.  There need to be more men in this world who get as excited about the children they produce.  However, there also needs to be more thought on the part of the parents-to-be before they start randomly sharing baby making ingredients with each other.

 Hoping your child is happy,

Miss Knowitall

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