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March 1, 2008 / missknowitall

He Should Have Married His Mother

Dear Little Miss,
My husband is so blinded by his mother that it seems he cannot recognize right from wrong when it comes to defending her (no wonder he is a Liar! I mean a Lawyer.  Hee hee). This upsets me a lot because anything good I do is wiped out in  a second if I show displeasure with anything his mother says or does. And my MIL takes advantage of this all the time. I don’t know how to deal with these kind of situations and end up fighting with him, even hating him at times, when he is relentlessly defending her no matter how it harms our relationship. What do I do to save my relationship because now its not just the two of us who’s lives are at stake now that I have a year old daughter to think of.
Please HELP with a practical solution
Suffering DIL
Dear Suffering,
Have you tried to have an open and honest discussion about this with your husband?  Sometimes men don’t really see what they are doing to their wives, and often they are simply taking the easy way out of situations rather than the right one.  Here are some questions you can ask your husband in such a conversation:
Do you feel that you mother is the ruling woman in this family, or me?
Is there a reason why you seem to prefer your mother’s decisions and opinions over mine?
Are you willing to let me be the leading and respected woman in things that pertain to our home and our family?
Would you be ok if I were to defer to my father, in all matters, over you the way that you are doing with your mother over me?
If your husband decides to be stubborn, or he refuses to see that there is even an issue, you might try just a little sarcastic acquiescence, though I urge caution in doing so.  If you do what I’m about to suggest I ask that you do it without malice, with loving humor, and do it to help him understand, and not to punish him (otherwise he will be able to make you seem like the “bad person” and that is NOT what you are trying to make him think!)  If your husband really wants your mother in law to run the household you should let her.  When your husband asks what is for dinner tell him that you are not sure because your mother in law hasn’t told you what to make yet.  When he asks you a question call his mother to get the answer.  Get the idea?  And be sure to follow any advice from your MIL that your husband is sure to dislike.  This may finally get him to realize that he can’t have it both ways.  He can either have a mommy or a wife to run his home.  After so many calls to your MIL and so many inconveniences to him while you wait for MIL’s answer he may finally realize that supporting YOU will be the easier option in life.
Hoping your man gets wise,
Miss Knowitall
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2 Comments

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  1. Stephen M (Ethesis) / Mar 12 2008 6:44 pm

    I’d suggest that you start by dropping by your library, looking for books by Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin and reading one or two. It might help you in communicating.

  2. Tonya / Mar 28 2008 10:43 am

    I’m probably a little late on this discussion. But, I had the same problem with my husband when we were first married. It turns out he didn’t even know that he doing this. When I expressed displeasure over something his mother did, he would defend her because he didn’t know how to change what she was doing. When he realized that I just needed someone to gripe to things started getting better. I also started asking his mom to tell him to do things that I wanted done. When he asked why I was telling his mom, I told him that he listened to her better than to me. He started getting the picture, but it took some time and a lot of conversations. If your hubby still resists, you may need to suggest counceling. Mom has been the one constant caring person for your husband up until he met you. It might be hard for him to emotionally detach from his mom and understand that you are the one to turn to now.

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